Sometimes the Greatest Damage Comes after the Abuse

If you follow this blog, you’ve seen I started this a few years ago. Then went silent (but didn’t disappear). Then came back with renewed purpose and the confidence to tell all of my story despite my personal discomfort and the objections of those who view the truth as a threat. I’m a female founder, wife, mother and friend. I’m also a survivor of abuse which has shaped my outlook on life and forged me into the person I am today. It’s a label that isn’t worn lightly or comfortably but silence helps nobody but the abuser and I wholeheartedly agree with the words of Gisèle Pelicot, who said in her 2026 address to UK Parliament that “Shame must change sides.”  

When people think about abuse, they often picture one person harming another behind closed doors. However, according to Women’s Aid, “ending a relationship with an abuser does not necessarily end the abuse, or reduce the level of danger. In fact, often the risk increases, which means that leaving a relationship is a particularly dangerous time.” I can vouch for that.  

The physical risk of leaving an abusive relationship cannot be oversold, however in my experience, what happened after I finished the relationship was far more damaging.  

The silence. The denial. The people who minimised the abuse. The people who excused what was done to me. The people who help protect the abuser’s image while the victim is left surviving the aftermath.   

Because sometimes the greatest damage is not caused solely by the abuser themselves.  

The enablers. The apologists. The “flying monkeys” – individuals who knowingly or unknowingly act on behalf of the abuser defending them, monitoring the victim, spreading misinformation, dismissing concerns or helping maintain control long after direct contact has ended.  

This form of secondary abuse can be deeply damaging because it creates confusion, isolation, self-doubt and fear at the exact moment someone is trying to heal.  

Many survivors expect that once they leave an abusive environment, the abuse will stop. 

But often, it changes form instead and intensifies.  

The abuser may continue though manipulation of mutual friends, family members, workplaces, community groups, social media narratives, legal intimidation or lawfare, smear or hate campaigns, financial control or emotional triangulation. Others pressure the survivor to “forgive”, “move on”, “stop causing problems” or remain silent in order to protect comfort, reputations or appearances.  

This can leave survivors feeling trapped even after physically leaving the relationship.  

What makes enablers particularly dangerous is that many do not see themselves as contributing to harm. Some believe they are “keeping the peace”. Others cannot accept that someone they know could behave abusively. Some are manipulated themselves. Others simply prioritise convenience over accountability. Everyone condemns abuse, until they are faced with the situation where a friend, family member, close colleague or even just someone they admire is identified as being an abuser.   

But when people dismiss warning signs, minimise harm, attack victims for speaking out or continue giving abusive individuals unrestricted access to power and trust without accountability, they help to create the conditions where abuse can continue to flourish safely and invisibly.  

Abuse survives in silence. 

It survives through denial. 

It survives when protecting reputations becomes more important than protecting people.  

This does not mean everyone around an abusive individual is malicious. Human relationships are complicated and manipulation can affect entire families, friendship groups, workplaces and communities. However, understanding these patterns is essential for anyone trying to leave, heal or protect themselves from abusive dynamics.  

A victim and their support group need education because abuse is rarely just physical.  

Coercive control, emotional abuse, psychological manipulation, intimidation, isolation, gaslighting, financial abuse, stalking behaviours and post-separation abuse can have devastating long-term effects on a person’s mental health, stability, confidence and safety. Many survivors spend years questioning themselves because others repeatedly invalidated their experiences.  

That is why seeking support is so important.  

If you are experiencing abuse, or believe you may be, educate yourself on abusive dynamics. Learn about coercive control, trauma bonding, manipulation tactics and post separation abuse. Speak to trained professionals, domestic abuse organisations, counsellors, legal advocates or trusted support services. Build safe support systems around you wherever possible.   

Most importantly, and I cannot say this loud enough, take your safety seriously. In my case it was not my abuser who threatened to end my life. It was a complete stranger with a hero complex. A person who did not know me but was looking for a ‘cause’, chose to believe everything they had been told by my abuser and the ‘flying monkeys’ and carried out a horrific hate campaign to “end me”.  

Do not underestimate patterns that make you feel unsafe, monitored, intimidated, controlled or psychologically destabilised. Trust your instincts. Document concerning behaviour where appropriate. Seek professional advice before situations escalate further. You do not need to “prove” your pain to deserve protection and support.  

Abuse is designed to confuse people. Manipulation is designed to distort reality. Intelligent, kind, compassionate people can become trapped in abusive situations precisely because they try to see the good in others, maintain peace or avoid conflict.  

Survival is not weakness. 

And leaving is not failure.  

One of the most powerful things survivors can do is reclaim knowledge, boundaries and self-trust. Education creates awareness. Awareness creates protection. Protection creates the possibility of healing.  

There is life after abuse.  

There is clarity after confusion.   

There is safety after fear.  

But healing begins by recognising that abuse is often sustained not only by one harmful person, but by the systems, silence and people that allow harmful behaviour to continue unchecked. 

And once we understand that, we become far better equipped to protect ourselves and others.